Mommy Guilt and Forgiveness

Today in MOPS, we focused on Forgiveness.  We had a speaker on the topic and our Mentor Mom wrote the following devotion.  I thought it was great so I am sharing it here.

Introduction

Today, we are talking today about forgiveness and as I thought about that topic I was reminded of the fact that sometimes we are not very good at forgiving ourselves for our perceived shortcomings, particularly as Moms. If you will remember we had a number of questions for our Mom’s panel that all involved questions like how do I so “such and such” without feeling guilty about “such and such”. We are always feeling guilty about what we should have done, or not done, should have said, or not said.

So I want to talk about guilt. I’m convinced most Moms live their lives with an almost constant low-level sense of guilt. We feel responsible for the entire world of our children but then worry about whether we have the skills we need to handle that. Basically, guilt is a sense of wrongdoing, an emotional conflict that arises from second thoughts about something we have done or a choice we’ve made.

How do we feel guilty? Let me count the ways.

·         We could pray more instead of doing chores and errands.

·          We aren’t bold enough in evangelism and don’t take advantage of activities the church offers us to do that.

·         We let our children watch movies and television too often.

·         Even though we were up all night with a sick child, we feel badly for taking a nap when the little ones are sleeping.

·         We don’t read to our kids enough or practice their flashcards with them enough. How will they ever get into college?

·         Our kids eat Cheetos and french fries rather than healthy food.

·         We give into our child’s whining too often.

·         We yell and fuss too much.

·         We don’t keep the house clean enough.

So what do we do with all this guilt? These are not the kind of things we don’t feel stop-dead-in-our-tracks kind of remorse for but these shortcomings can have a cumulative effect whereby we can feel like we are rather disappointing to God, maybe just “barely Christian”.

Now we should feel guilty sometimes, because sometimes we are guilty of sin and complacency as Christians – and that is a real danger. But guilt can easily be confused with Godly "conviction." In order to understand the issue of guilt, we need to understand the difference.

Two Kinds of Guilt

There are two kinds of guilt.  First there is false guilt which includes feeling guilty after confessing a sin.  This is not based in truth or supported by the Word. God has forgiven us, so there is no need to linger in shame. People struggle with false guilt for many reasons. We inherit bad guilt from the church, our parents or society.

Legalistic teaching, for example, presents life as a series of rules that can never be followed to the letter; its adherents often feel bad about themselves. Next, self-reproach can derive from abuse or verbal putdowns experienced during childhood. Another cause of false guilt is perfectionism--high expectations that one is incapable of attaining can flood a person with self-condemnation. And finally, low self-esteem has the same result.

This false guilt tears us down, makes us feel unworthy, and robs us of our faith and confidence in Christ. It condemns us and comes from Satan.  1 Peter 5:8 says “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour”. Satan uses this false sense of guilt to paralyze us. Inevitably, guilt leads to doubt about God's love and salvation, which paves the way for fear, insecurity, and inability to enjoy life. It can also open the door for physical symptoms like depression.

Satan wants you to be so crushed with guilt, that you let go of your faith. He wants you to doubt God's faithfulness. He wants you to think nobody really cares. That you will live in misery and heartbreak.  That God's holiness is unreachable. That you are left alone to work out your own problems. That God no longer cares about your needs and feelings. If he can get you to the point of despair, he can flood you with unbelief - then he has succeeded in his mission to separate you from the love and forgiveness of Christ.

The second type of guilt is biblical. It originates with the violation of a scriptural law. This is not a feeling but a reality: we have sinned and should repent. It is not condemnation but conviction.

2 Chronicles 16:9 says “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him”. Conviction comes as the Holy Spirit, not condemnation. Conviction makes us cognizant of the discrepancy between God's standards for living and our behavior. When we feel this conviction, we must name that sinful behavior, confess it to God, and turn away from it. At that moment, the issue is settled; God does not want us suffocating in a lingering cloud of guilt. He came to set us free!

The Holy Spirit convicts us in an effort to turn us away from sin and guide us to our heavenly Father.  Conviction deals with our behavior, not our status before God.  When a Christian sins, they feel shut out of God's presence, just as did Adam. God is always there, waiting to talk, but sin causes one to withdraw. God never withdraws - only we do. When we trusted Jesus as Savior, we were cleansed by His blood. He took us from a state of guilt and separation from God to one of forgiveness and acceptance by the Father. Our shame was removed, and Christ’s righteousness was credited to our account. Though we may have to bear the consequences of our action, we are no longer guilty before God.

Instead of dealing with your real guilt by denial, escapism, resolutions, looking down on others, and obsessing, you can confess your sins to Jesus and believe that His death paid the price for your sins.

2 Corinthians 7:9-10 says “Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. ¹⁰ For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.

So what do we do when we feel guilt?

Dealing quickly with guilt is important. Whether false or real, the emotion of guilt divides our mind, drains our energy, and creates a sense of insecurity. If it is allowed to linger, we can start to have doubts about God’s goodness and love for us. Depression and hopelessness may follow. To cope, some people develop compulsive behaviors in an attempt to replace self-reproach with something pleasurable. Excessive amounts of shopping, eating, television, Internet, and physical activity are common ways people try to push away and numb themselves from self-condemning thoughts.

We need to acknowledge the emotion to the Lord, and identify the reason behind it. The Lord wants us to live free from guilt. If you experience shame, ask Him to help you trace its cause.

If you’ve violated God’s law, ask His forgiveness, and take steps to change the behavior. 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”.

If you discover false guilt, confess it and ask God to adjust your thinking to match His. In either case, praise Him because He has promised to forgive His children’s sins and remove guilt. Romans 8:1 Says “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Jesus Christ”.

Christ has forgiven us for our sins so we can live a life of freedom in Him, not a life of guilt. His desire is to bring us closer to Him through conviction and restoration, not through the condemnation of false guilt!  So the next time you find yourself feeling guilty, take a moment to consider what the root of your guilty feelings are.  Is this self-reproach or is it true conviction?  Either way, the best way to go about dealing with it is to take it to God in prayer.