Losing a Parent

Yesterday, one of my closest friends suffered an incredible loss. Her father passed away. Having lost my father five years ago, I can relate to the flood of emotions that comes and that can overwhelm. There’s the disbelief, the part of you that can’t believe this has happened. There’s the shock of trying to accept something so sudden and final. There’s the way that your mind goes into survival mode and starts trying to control every detail you can in a situation that has occurred completely out of your control. The passing of time seems to change. Minutes seem like hours and days seem like years. Being surrounded by loved ones and relatives whom you only see at a time like this bears its’ own unreal quality. The dichotomy of mourning a loss while also re-connecting with family seems strangely at odds, but yet comforts a heavy heart.

I understand the immediate feeling of responsibility for one parent that is created by the loss of the other. I can identify with the new filter that every decision must be made through. Things are different now and will never be as they were. Everything won’t always be sad or even this hard, but from now on, it will always be different.

The only advice I have from learning the hard way over the past five years is to give yourself time. Try to be patient with yourself, your feelings and with those whom you must take care of now. Grant yourself time to mourn, and time to spend visiting and talking with loved ones. Give yourself permission to completely take in the love extended to you throughout this period of loss. There isn’t a limit on how long you can be sad. Years from now, something will remind you and make you think of your father – but as time passes, you’ll be more able to remember the good times and think about him as he was when you were a child – during the happiest times you had together. You’ll be able to talk about him without getting upset and having that lump in your throat. Like a healing wound, there will always be a mark there and it will be tender, but it will not always hurt as badly as it does today.

Try to celebrate the man he was - the husband and father who loved his family and who had a very special way with young children, whom he was adored by. For now and for a long time, it will hurt. But it will get better, and you will get through this. And in the meantime, know that you are loved and that there is a whole community of fellow moms, neighbors, and friends eager to help and support you.