Finesse

(Finesse is what I was supposed to talk about to my MOPS group yesterday. Instead we had a snow day, so I’ll talk about it here. And please do not deduce from the following that I think I know exactly what I'm doing when it comes to mothering. If you've read any of the posts on this blog, you already know that is absolutely not the case.)

When I think of Finesse, I think of a blue shampoo bottle from the 80s that was supposed to deliver silky, soft hair.

According to MOPS, Finesse is honing practical mothering skills; intentionally carrying out our daily responsibilities in ways that encourage growth and resilience in our kids. Basically, it means treating this job that is motherhood like an actual job. Having a plan, finding motivation and getting to work. It means doing mothering well - considering it a challenge, not a hassle or a yolk around your neck.

Sure, you could just sail through it. I mean, I guess you could. I don’t think I’d like to see your house or spend time with your kids – but I suppose you could just phone it in. However, the vast majority of the moms I know are just the opposite. They’re obsessive about something having to do with their kids. Either it’s the way their child eats or talks or behaves or sleeps (or doesn’t), and they talk about it to every mom they can find. Because when you’re a mom, other moms are really your best sources of advice. You want to find someone who has been through it, came out the other side alright and can tell you what you need to do. Speed up the whole “journey” thing a little, if you know what I mean. But sometimes that “one thing” we’re obsessed with keeps us from seeing the big picture when it comes to our kids.

Finesse means taking mothering seriously and continuously refining your approach to it based on your experiences. Trying out new ideas and discovering what works and what doesn’t. Not allowing yourself to get mired down in little details of the day-to-day grind – but instead, keeping the big picture in mind. Knowing your capabilities and when you’ve put them to work, hopefully finding that your efforts result in your children achieving goals you’ve purposely set for them and result in you feeling a sense of accomplishment.

Feedback

One of the hardest parts of mothering for me is the lack of feedback. In a job that you go to everyday, you get feedback and periodic reviews. For good or for bad, you generally leave work every day with an idea of how you’re doing.

You don’t get a lot of immediate feedback in mothering. You kind of need to see the finished product to decide if someone was raised well. I can’t think of too many times when I’ve gotten to the end of a day that OBB has patted me on the back and said “you had a great day today Mom!” “The way you handled my sister’s tantrum was awesome! And you even had time to get on the floor and play legos with me while making dinner! Way to go!” Yeah – that doesn’t happen.

However, I recently had some “feedback” from OBB that did make me feel good. We were driving down one of the major roads in our town during Christmastime, and we passed a house that had a virtual Christmas carnival going on in their front yard. They had lighted snowflakes hanging from trees and lighted candy canes lined their yard. Massive inflatable snow globes bookended their lawn and in between was a circus of santas and snowmen and penguins. And off to the side, was a manger scene. As we passed by the house in our car, going roughly 40 miles an hour, OBB shouted to me from the back seat, “Look Mom! It’s Baby Jesus!”

Well I honestly had to LOOK for Him because there was so much going on at this house. But it did my heart good to think that of everything there, OBB picked out Jesus. Well, I thought, we’re getting somewhere. It’s sinking in.

Reflection

One of the things I like to do is a mid-year and annual review. I know this sounds crazy, but I like to look back and take stock of everything I’ve accomplished as a mother over the past year and then set goals for mothering for the year to come. So what did I accomplish last year? I got Baby Girl walking, talking, ok with being left at church and school and eating a wide variety of foods. OBB learned to write his name, knows all his letters and numbers, graduated from speech therapy, and is really coming out of his shell. What do those goals for this year look like? Well, some of the ones I have for this year are to teach OBB to read, potty train Baby Girl, get OBB as prepared as possible to start Kindergarten, get Baby Girl climbing stairs, work on OBB’s table manners, and refine Baby Girl’s sharing techniques. But before you can set goals, you need to know what you’re aiming for.

Forecasting

In my former life, before children, I used to spend time around a lot of people who were starting businesses, and one of the first things most anyone will tell you is that if you’re going to be successful in business, you need a business plan. A bank won’t lend you money, you won’t get investors – not a lot is going to happen for your business without one. Same goes for mothering. You need a plan.

First, you need to know what your desired end result is. What are you trying to build here? What do you want your “finished product” to look like? A child who feels secure, connected, competent, significant. A child who shows respect, exhibits responsibility, is caring towards others, can be trusted, acts fairly and demonstrates citizenship (and no, these weren’t just on the tip of my tongue – you can find them at http://charactercounts.org/sixpillars.html). Each mom has her own picture of what kind of person she wants her child to be. It’s important to develop that concept into tangible attributes and then develop achievable goals. Once you know what you’re aiming for, it’s a lot easier to plot a path to get there.

Second, you need to know your product. What are your product’s capabilities? In other words, what makes your child tick? You probably know them better than anyone, but can you predict how your child will react to a given situation? If you can, why would you put them in a situation where they are destined to fail? Shouldn’t you be making every effort to set them up for success?

And then based on the two previous questions, you can develop ideas for refining your child’s capabilities. You can pinpoint exactly where the work needs to take place.

Fortitude

Once you’ve got your goals in place, you may need to work on building some motivation for yourself. I find that having a planned date night or girl’s trip on the books helps me have something to work towards. It’s somehow comforting to know that while I may be having a hard time with one particular goal, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel called “date night”, and if I can just make it to Friday, it’s all gonna be OK. I call it my incentive package – building enough special evenings and fun trips into the year to prevent me from getting the mommy blues.

Finally…

Finesse is not finding the perfect way of doing things and doing it THAT way. It’s not finally being let in on the real Rules of Mommyhood and strictly adhering to them. Finesse is finding your own way – what works for you, what works for your child and the best, time-tested, continuously-refined way to get to where you want to end up.

Motherhood is a 24-hour a day job. There are no breaks and definitely no days off. A mother’s day can be punctuated with moments of joy, heartbreak, resentment, laughter, elation and a healthy dose of self-examination. But in order to make the most of this time you have when your children are young, you need to take it seriously. Tackle it head on for what it is – the hardest job on the planet.