A Visit from the Parenting Fairy

It was Wednesday. By this point in the week, I had already made it through my first MOPS meeting of the year, OBB’s first day of preschool and minutes earlier, dropping off Baby Girl for her first foray into the world of preschool. As I sat in my Mommy and Me meeting, I was just happy that I was responsible for nothing when it came to this event. It was nice to show up somewhere where my only job was to sit and sip my chai and take a deep breath before I had to be at the next place with the next task demanding my attention. And even better, it was the meeting featuring the annual visit from the parenting expert.

Every year, my Mommy and Me group has a lady come and talk to us from Commonwealth Parenting. These people are parenting educators. They offer counseling and assessment services for families and children, but they also have an advice line that is completely free. You can call them about anything and they will talk you through it. When my father-in-law passed away and I was trying to figure out how to talk to OBB about it and how to handle a 3 ½ year old at a funeral, they were the ones I called. They presented options and let me bounce scenarios off them. They were wonderful.

So we all look forward to the parenting expert coming in - it’s like a Continuing Education Seminar for mothers. And she never disappoints. You leave this meeting feeling better equipped to parent. You’ve spent a little time laughing at yourself, learning about why your kids do what they do, why you do what you do, and how your kids aren’t really setting out to make you crazy – that’s just a natural byproduct of being a preschooler.

So here are the top 10 things I learned from the parenting expert this week. Some of them weren’t “a-ha” moments, as much as they were good reminders, but here you go…

1. The only consistent thing about a preschooler is that they’re inconsistent. One moment they’re happy and content, the next they’re not and you can’t figure out what happened. Don’t worry about it. It has nothing to do with you. It’s them.

2. By the same token, don’t lay in bed at night when your child has a bad day trying to figure out what you did wrong. And don’t lay there when your child has a great day either, trying to figure out what you did right – you didn’t do anything – it’s them. They’re a preschooler.

3. The tenor of your relationship with your child is usually very similar to the tenor of your relationship with your spouse. This is because your children draw cues about how to have relationships from watching you.

4. Clarity is key when dealing with preschoolers. Don’t use too many words. Don’t over-explain things. There is no need for a prolonged speech about the why of everything when addressing a behavior issue – just use simple commands and be clear about what you expect.

5. Don’t seek approval from your children for the way you parent them. You cannot expect your preschooler to tell you you’re doing a great job or even like the fact that you’re telling them what to do. Most of the time you need to act like their defiance and backtalk doesn’t bother you in the least. Either ignore it or address it quickly and dispassionately and just move onto the next thing.

6. The purpose of time out is not punishment. The purpose of time out is to remove your child from a situation in which they are failing, allow them to press the re-set button and gather themselves together, and then re-introduce them to the situation equipped for success.

7. You cannot talk your child into a better relationship with you. They are experience-based individuals. If you want to change your child’s behavior, you need to change their experience with you.

8. Children are visual. When you are speaking to them, eye contact at their level is key. Multi-step directions with no visual cues are not a good idea.

9. You should not be working harder than your child. When you ask your child to do something, you should ask them once. Pestering, nagging and questioning your child only results in you doing all the work. Make them do the work.

10. Set your child up for success. Always, in every scenario, provide your child with a choice that allows him to succeed.

So following this meeting, I had to control my desire to bring this woman home with me, set her up in a permanent position at my kitchen table and have her dispense advice to me all throughout my day. Because when you’re in a job with no paycheck, no sick days, no reviews, no promotions and crazy hours, you’ll take good advice wherever you can get it.