Over the past few weeks, I have:
-visited my mother almost every day
-stayed updated on her medical condition (from
talking to doctors) and her mental/emotional state (from talking to her).
-advocated fiercely for her with medical
professionals
-packed up her entire apartment and moved her to a
first floor apartment that will be more accessible to her once she comes home
-weathered the end of the summer with two small
children and not enough “fun” things on their agenda each day (according to
them).
-had my own emotional journey of sorts
This situation has forced me to consider my own
status as a control freak. I would
prefer to control everything. In my
world, I have the tendency to act as the director and believe that if everyone
would just stick to the script that I have written, then everything will turn
out fine – or so I think. While I
inherently realize this is silly thinking, I still attempt to control
things. In this case, I have made myself
nuts trying to control little details in a sea of huge issues that are out of
my control – like how many chairs are in my mother’s hospital room or how long
it takes a nurse to come in and shut off the alarm on her IV when it goes
off.
SO take a control freak, give them a situation which
is completely out of their control, but which they feel responsible for and
stir. Oh and drop a teaspoon of “unexpected
news” on their head just for fun about once a week. What results? A whopping serving of crazy with a hint of shrill
is what you’ll get.
You name it, I’ve tried to control it. And as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that
working for you?” Honestly it’s not. It’s like repeatedly banging my head against
a wall.
So I’ve had to go the complete opposite direction
and try acceptance. Embracing the
unknown. Accepting the lack of
clarity. Leaning into the fear and just
focusing on getting through today. I can
spend hours in my head thinking about what might happen and devising plans A,
B, and C for what I would do if that happened, but until it does happen, I won’t
know what the right reaction is. I have
had to make myself stay in today. I have
had to focus on getting through days, sometimes moment by moment, while trying
my hardest not to project what I think will happen in the future. None of my worst fears have happened
yet. All of the things I’ve thought of
in my head that could happen, haven’t.
And through this journey, by being sure to stay in
contact with God, I’ve seen more of Him and felt more of His presence than I
can describe. People have reached out to
me in innumerable ways. God has brought
others into my life at just the right moment.
One day, when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and down, I put on
a movie for the kids and went to my room and laid down on my bed and just
prayed “God, please help me. Just please
send me help.” Within minutes, I had two
friends call and offer to take the kids for playdates to give me a chance to go
to the hospital by myself and spend time packing up my mother’s apartment
without kids. My mother’s friends from
church have visited her so consistently that it’s kept her spirits up. And even while I do feel like I’ve been run
over by a truck at times, God has shown me others suffering far greater than me
and helped me to keep all of this in perspective.
Have I learned the lesson yet? Have I grown enough so this “growing
experience” can come to a conclusion? I’m
afraid not.
But I have had some little epiphanies. What have I learned to date?
-that I cannot control everything
-not everyone is on my schedule (or even a schedule
at all)
-there are things worth fighting over and things
worth letting go and you had better pick your battles wisely
-mean what you say and say what you mean, but don’t
say it mean
-taking care of a parent is a marathon, not a
sprint. You had better make sure there
is something left of you after the first couple miles.
-people are not going to change because you want
them to or think they should. The only
thing that you can change is you.
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