Identity Crisis

I have said before that when I moved from DC to Richmond, I felt like I moved back south - a little bit at least. People were more polite, said y'all, and there was much less traffic (and more pick up trucks)...and all without those pesky fire ants! But apparently, Richmond is not so sure of itself when it comes to its southerness...the following article ran in the local paper today.


True South: Signs of the South
Y'all gather 'round for a little geography lesson
Sunday, Aug 05, 2007 - 12:03 AM

Grits and sweet tea are just a few signs of the South.

By Rex Springston
Times-Dispatch Staff Writer


It's somtimes suggested that Maryland is part of the South because it lies below the Mason-Dixon line.

Anyone familiar with the land of Lee, Jackson and Ernest T. Bass knows that is heresy.

Northern Virginia doesn’t qualify, either. It’s as Southern as a knish.

So, where does the South begin?

To answer that question, we offer the following signs of the South.

The more you see these indicators around you, the more likely it is you live in the South.

This list should not be interpreted as endorsing Rebel flags or fire ants. It can, however, be construed as supporting sweet tea and reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Note how many of these indicators show up in Richmond. The former capital of the Confederacy might surprise you.

-Confederate statues. In this regard, Richmond is very Southern.

-Grits. You can find them in Richmond, but we don't properly revere them. The proof? St. George, S.C., is home to the World Grits Festival.

-Water moccasins. Not in Richmond. These venomous serpents start showing up in southern Chesterfield County, where they are as rare as Democrats.

-Rebel flags. An endangered species in central Virginia. You find a lot more, like kudzu, when you hit Southside Virginia.

-Waitresses who know that tea means sweet tea. Rarely spotted in Richmond any more. And it doesn't count if they offer "sweetened" tea.

-Signs for boiled P-nuts. They start appearing in North Carolina, with isolated reports in southern Virginia. It doesn't count if the sign says, "Boiled peanuts."

-Alligators. Virginia has been gator-poor since they left The Jefferson Hotel half a century ago. Like true Southerners, the hidebound reptiles prefer warmer climes. Start looking in North Carolina.

-Racial problems. Trick category. You don't have to be in the South to find them.

-Glorifiers of the Old South. This species can be well camouflaged, sometimes in coats of gray. There may be more in Richmond than you think.

-People who are still upset that Warren replaced Barney. If you don't know what this means, it only proves that Southernness in Richmond is going the way of the hoop skirt.

-Spanish moss. These tangled tendrils, gray as a hag's hair, don't grow in Richmond and barely reach into Virginia at all. This beautiful moss can be full of chiggers, as any Southerner knows.

-Really good barbecue places. You can find a few in Richmond but, like cypress trees, they don't flourish naturally here. Try Ralph's Barbecue in Weldon, N.C.

-Fire ants. These nasty little ankle-biters make mounds bigger than paint buckets, and they swarm like politicians on a rich donor. Rarely seen north of southeastern Virginia.

-MoonPies. Has anyone, anywhere, really had an RC Cola and a MoonPie? Forget this category.

-Rebel flag shot glasses, towels and other flag paraphernalia. The cause took a hit when the Stuckey's at Toano closed a few years ago. Try Virginia Beach's resort strip.

-Civil War nuts. They go well with MoonPies and an RC. But seriously folks, Richmond wins this category big. We beat the competition like Stonewall Jackson kicked blue-boy butts in the Valley.

-Live oaks. These are the large, spreading trees you see, dripping with Spanish moss, in coffee-table books on the South. You can find a few in Virginia Beach while you're shopping for Rebel flag towels. Better still, drive to South Carolina.

-"Y'all" used in the singular, as in a belle telling her date, "Y'all have a seat on the veranda." Another trick category. This happens only in Hollywood. The word is used for addressing more than one person, but y'all know that.

-Guys named Bubba. These start showing up in South Richmond, with isolated sightings in Hanover County.

-Parents called Mumma and Diddy. Same as for "Bubba."

-"Bless his/her heart." In the true South, you can say just about anything if you preface it properly. "Bless her heart, Prudence's baby was premature, but the little thing still weighed 9 pounds." Surely this manner of speech still graces Richmond.

-Escaped convicts. In the true South, an escapee has to wade through a cypress swamp, brushing aside Spanish moss and dodging water moccasins. If a guy sneaks out of the Richmond City Jail, he can rest on a bench by the James River and watch Yankees paddle kayaks.


You can see the handwriting on the wall, right above the divan: Richmond's claim to Southernness is in deep trouble.

The next time y'all hit Petersburg and get on U.S. 460 en route to the Virginia Diner for some ham biscuits and peanut soup, stop and reflect.

That road is where the South begins.


Contact Rex Springston at (804) 649-6453 or rspringston@timesdispatch.com.

Staff writer Lindsay Kastner contributed to this report, and so did Connie Barnes of Roanoke Rapids, N.C., Rex's wife's aunt, who is a connoisseur of all things Southern, bless her heart.