How to be a Happier Mom

This is the devotion that I gave at my MOPS meeting this week.

Today I want to talk about being a happy mom.  If you search the internet, you will find all kinds of suggestions for how to be a happy mom.  I can tell you from a recent perusal on the topic that most of the advice goes something like this…

-get enough sleep
-get lots of exercise
-make yourself the priority…and so on

Now I’m not suggesting that this is bad advice.  I don’t think there is one of us in this room who would balk if someone offered to take our kids this afternoon so we could take a nap.

 But I do think there are some other ways to pursue happiness in motherhood.

But first, why is it so important to be happy?  If my child is well-fed, well-taken care of and lives in a loving home, why should I worry so much about whether or not I am happy?  Because when you ask children about their mothers, they don’t usually talk about the toys their mother bought them or how clean the house was…what children will tell you is how they feel around their mothers.  Young children talk about their mother’s moods – how fun they are or whether they are crabby.   Even when you get older, if you think back to your mother, what are the parts you remember?  Most people remember if their mother was affectionate, or kind…of course some of us will think back to a particular meal our mother made us…but very little of our memories are about what our mother bought us or whether all the breakfast dishes were cleaned up before lunch.

I recently read a book titled 10 Habits of Happy Mothers by Dr. Meg Meeker.  This was written by a pediatrician who has four children of her own.  Some of the “habits” she includes are about having a healthy relationship with money, maintaining friendships, valuing yourself as a mother and valuing and practicing your faith.  But the part of her book I found most interesting, was when she writes about her experience of talking with mothers and their children over her 20-year career and says that the one thing kids want most is to live life next to you.  Kids want more relaxed time with their moms – not scheduled time.  They aren’t interested in what you can buy them or how many extra-curricular activities you enroll them in.  They just want to spend time with you – and preferably a happy, relaxed, contented you.

So how do we get you to that?  Because honestly, when I look in the mirror, I am so not that.  Spending focused attention playing on the floor with my children doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.  And is usually interrupted by the phone or something I remember I need to do or an email I remember I need to send.  It seems like when my mind is quiet - in those moments -  that’s when everything pops up that I’ve forgotten to do. Or it’s when I let my mind wander to the problem I’m currently obsessing over or the relationship I’m worrying about.

So how do I become that stress-free, relaxed mom playing with my kids for hours on end?

I have a couple suggestions.

1)      Get a mentor

 We all need mentors.  There’s a reason that this is common in business, in academia, in almost every field.  There is nothing quite like having someone who can share with you their experience of having been there.

 In Titus 2:3-5, Paul discusses the value of women having mentors, “Likewise teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the word of God”.

It’s important to have a woman in your life who you can lean on.  The person you can tell everything about your day to – the good parts and the bad parts…the person you can cry to, can laugh with and the person that can tell you when you’re wrong.  Now this could be a friend, but it’s even better if it’s someone who has kids a little older than yours.  It could be your mother or an aunt or a lady at church. But you need to have someone to vent to, cry to and you need someone to help you grow on your journey as a mother.

2)     Do some serious self-examination to determine if there is something controlling you.

 Now you might be thinking…there isn’t anything that is controlling me!  Really?  Are you sure? 

 There are lots of things in our lives that can distract us from our relationship with God.  Something that distracts us from God is called a stronghold.  For some people, it can be something they are addicted to – like alcohol or drugs.  But it could also be food.  Or not eating food.  Or shopping.  Or gossip.  Or the Internet.    For others, it can be a problem you’re dealing with in your marriage – your finances or a troubled relationship with a relative that is constantly on your mind.  Being moms, we can also get engulfed with anxiety when it comes to our kids.  There are endless things to worry about as a mom.  We worry about their safety, their progress, their health, their emotional well-being, their habits, you name it – we can find lots of things to worry about.  And if your child is suffering from a chronic condition, it can consume you and can take over your life.  It can control our thoughts and swirl around in our minds long enough to make us a little bit crazy.

 So once you figure out what it is that is controlling you…what you are obsessing over…once you understand what it is that is preventing you from not being present…you need to admit defeat. 

 Wait, what?  You want me to admit defeat?

 Yes, I do.  I want you to admit to yourself that you can’t control the situation.

 And for many of us who are do-it-all moms, that sounds crazy.

 What do you mean?  I spend all day controlling chaos.  I can handle it. 

 Ummm, no you can’t.  Because right now, it’s handling you.  And until you admit defeat -  that you are personally unable to change the situation, the person, the balance sheet – whatever – the craziness will continue.  Until you can humble yourself and get out of your own way, things are going to stay just as they are.

 Beth Moore has a prescribed way for dealing with something that is controlling you.  She talks about it in her book Get Out Of That Pit.  There is a three step process she outlines.  Step 1 is to cry out.  In Psalm 40:1-2 David says, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”  Beth says this verse inspired her to write this book.

 Now I’m not talking about crying.  I’m talking about crying out from the deepest part of you.  This is the getting down on our knees and giving this situation over to God for once and for all kind of prayer. 

 And some of you may be asking…but why do I have to go through this?  God knows this situation. He knows everything. I’ve asked him to fix it before…why do I have to do this?  Because as Moore writes, “God can deliver you from anything, but what He wants most is a relationship with you”.  He wants to have an ongoing relationship with you.  Do you remember ever looking at an actress or someone famous on TV and wanting a relationship with them?  I think back to that movie Notting Hill where Julia Roberts plays a famous actress and the girl says, “I just know that if Julia Roberts and I could meet, well I just know that we’d be best friends.”  It’s like that – just on a much bigger, deeper, spiritual level.

 Step 2 is to confess.  This is much more than admitting sin.  This is baring your soul to God.  Telling him all your thoughts around the subject.  Everything you’ve felt and currently feel.  All about the mess you’re in.  Tell him who you’re worried about and who’s making you nuts.  Tell him what you can’t get out of your head.  Get it all out. Also consider what your contribution to the problem might be.  Pride is something that can get in all of our ways and can be the reason that we’re not willing to cry out over something.  Remember that again, this is all about restoring a relationship with God.  It’s a two-way conversation.  As Beth Moore writes, “God initiates the conversation through conviction and we answer with confession”.  But it doesn’t end there.  Our confession doesn’t make it complete…because then we’d just be sitting there, wallowing in all the things we’d done wrong and that could be pretty depressing.  Moore says, “The step of confession is completed through accepting God’s forgiveness.   The process is not complete without our grateful acceptance.” 

 In Isaiah 38:17, King Hezekiah says:

“Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish, in your love you kept me from the pit of destruction, you have put all my sins behind your back.”

 The final Step - Step 3 is to consent. “Consent is defined as compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another – so consent  is basically accepting God’s will for your life.”  I would encourage you to practice praying for God’s will.  Every day.  Several times a day.  The only way you get better at something is to practice, right?  And you have been in charge for so long, it’s going to take you a little practice to stop being in charge and start accepting that there is new management in this situation.  Each time you have to make a decision, each time before you speak and let out what’s in your head, pause.  Pause and ask for God’s will to be done.  Just taking that moment – just creating a little space in there between your impulse and your action is going to help you get better at this.  You’ll get better at maybe just being quiet when you don’t have anything nice to say or thinking twice before rushing into action or reacting too harshly.  God will help you deal with all these things, but you need to seek His will in each and every situation first.  “Thy will be done.  Thy will be done.”  Sometimes, when I’m in a difficult situation, I just need to keep praying that prayer over and over in my head.  When I have a melting-down child, when I have a conversation going badly, when I want to react with anger to a situation – saying just that can help to re-center me and remind me who’s in charge – and it isn’t me.

So I would encourage you – if you know that you are struggling with something – something that is consistently stealing your joy – try these three steps.  And something else that Beth Moore suggests when you are crying out or confessing or consenting is to pray scripture.  In the back of her book, she provides several examples for doing this.  Sometimes, praying scripture is the best thing for you when you have yourself so worked up that you just don’t know what to pray.

 3)     Help Another Mom

 The third and final suggestion I would offer to be a happier mom is to help another mom.  Now I know you’re probably thinking…I’m sorry, did you just say you want me to help someone else?  But I’m the one who’s a mess! I’m the mom who’s not happy!

 I can’t explain it, but there is something about helping someone else that makes you feel better about your job as a mother.  It recharges you.

 And it’s a kind of help and giving to others that requires very little of you.  I’m not saying you should make meals for every mom you see who’s having a bad day.  I’m just asking you to be a good listener and maybe share with them.  You are not seeking for this person to be your best friend or re-pay you in some way.  You are just sharing your experience when you see that it might help comfort them.  You are passing on the tips and the pitfalls of mothering.  And while you are helping the mom in need feel better about her situation, it also makes you feel better about your situation and your ability to be a great mom.  Dare I say it makes you happy?

If you implement these three suggestions (finding a mentor, doing some serious self-examination and helping other moms), I cannot guarantee that you will be happy immediately.

Happiness comes quietly.  It isn’t something you can demand.    But I can tell you that the more you practice seeking God’s will first, seeking to help others and widening the space between your first initial impulse and your action, happiness will come.  You’ll be more relaxed and maybe a little easier-going and ready to be the mom on the floor with your kids.  For hours.