A Smattering of Self Help

Today in the mail, I received the Chesterfield County Fall 2009 Program Guide. While this may not bring a smile to your face, it definitely does to mine because I know that this little paper booklet provides loads of entertainment.

This is a guide containing community workshops available to county residents. Many of the programs have an associated fee and most meet for several weeks. I have never attended one of these, but just reading the booklet gives me more amusing dinnertime conversation than I could ask for.

To get a sense for what I'm talking about, consider the topics under the heading "Business Essentials". First there is the course titled "Getting Paid to Talk". "Have you been told that you have a great voice? Well for only $25, this exciting class will cover numerous aspects of voice over work, and students will even have the opportunity to hear demos recorded by professional voice actors!" Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but couldn't I also hear those same professional voice actors if I stayed home, didn't give you $25 and watched TV on my couch?

Then there's "Small Talk: Going Beyond Hello". "Do you shudder at the thought of being in a room full of strangers? Feel awkward in an elevator or waiting room? Our business etiquette consultant will provide techniques to start engaging conversations, maintain a steady dialogue, understand body language and begin saying more than just "hello". Wonderful.

And then there's the "eBay Buying and Selling workshop". They'll teach you how to "find items you want, make a bid and complete a transaction". Wow, all that for only $40! The best part is the disclaimer: "Because of time limits and school Internet regulations, this class will not involve hands-on use of a computer."

The courses offered also include your basic financial management ("Money Management Like A Millionaire!") and home improvement courses (Basic Electrical Wiring! Party Decorating Made Simple!"), but then I stumbled upon the Special Interest section. And let's just say it was very specialized. It includes courses such as the "Breads and Food of Germany", "Clowning 101", "Intermediate Knitting", "Fencing" and "Irish Dancing". I'm not sure how many people in my county do these things, but is it really enough for a whole class?

And then I found one that caught my attention. "Pet Therapy" sounded like something that my Emotionally Disturbed Dog (EDD) could benefit from. When I read the listing, I realized the class was about training your dog to provide therapy to other people, something I think EDD would fail miserably at, since there are only about 4 people in the world over the age of 3 whom she will let pet her.

I moved into the nature section, which included riveting classes such as the "Winter Bird Count" and the ponderous "Squirrel or Chipmunk?".

And then finally, I found it. A class so synonymous with community center programming that I almost laughed out loud. There it was in all its glory, sitting on page 34. "Pineneedle Basket Weaving"..."Use fragrant materials from the forest floor to weave a delightful pineneedle basket to grace your Thanksgiving table. Learn simple coiling and stitching techniques to create a unique basket you'll want to display at home or give as a gift." So if any of you come to my house for turkey this year, I'll give you one guess what won't be gracing our table. However, I will have the County Program Guide available for your perusal.